Long distance dating does he like me
My truth is that I will never find anybody as good, and I shouldn’t even bother. He is a great person, but as far as relationships go, this one isn’t healthy or sustainable anymore.And if I don’t want to be alone forever, I’m going to have to face the scary world and put myself out there at some point.I don’t want expensive gifts or fake mushy “you’re my forever ever” or a codependent relationship. He looks at me and he shrugs as if I just asked him what’s on TV tonight.I lay out my hurt and insecurities and he says that he is sorry, but he hasn’t been ready for that kind of thing before and he’s not ready for it now.Normally, I'd put a check mark in the awesome-first-date-but-clearly-going-nowhere-so-move-on-pronto column, but there's something special about this guy.So I've found myself in a new and unusual situation, one where I am trying to get to know someone despite the distance. But here's what I've figured out so far in our two-month communication—and from Google, of course. I don't know about you, but I've never found questions such as "What's your favorite movie?Does he know I grew up and I actually am learning to love myself now? I couldn’t count on him to do romantic things but I could always count on him to help when I truly needed him. Even my readers have grown to love him from the stories I’ve told about us. He smiles at me and my knees still go weak since the first time I saw him in that high school cafeteria ten years ago. I tell him I can’t live like this, and that I feel cornered into either staying like this or leaving, and that I don’t want to do either.
And the power is completely in his hands, to step up and say “I’m sorry, I’ll try” but he can’t be bothered. Does he realize I’m not a moon-eyed 16 year old anymore? He’s always been honest, even when he knew it would rip me to shreds.
At the ER there were patients who seemed to be in perfectly good health until they encountered the big thing that killed them, like a gunshot wound or a car accident.
Our relationship wasn’t like that; it was like the 80 year old man who had heart failure and diabetes and cancer and liver issues and a hell of a lot of luck for living this long.
I keep thinking over and over, “I don’t want to lose him.” I feel pathetic. He was there when I was struggling, when family members got sick, when I felt that my life was in pieces. He’s my first love, but there’s more to that: he’s the first guy I ever went on a getaway with. A few tears fall out of his eyes too, but he tells me the situation ain’t changing.
He’s the first guy whose apartment I stayed at for a week, and we bought groceries together and did homey stuff like watch TV while eating pasta together. He’s a fantastic fucking person, even if he isn’t the best boyfriend. He says he wishes he was ready to give me that kind of love, but he’s not.